THE QUEST - A HEROIC TALE OF CHIVALRY AND ADVENTURE
In the mid-eighties John Earl and Bob Smith were given the responsibility of writing the Eastern Fells Guide for the Fell and Rock. Almost every weekend the then cream team found itself being dragged off to the wild and forgotten valleys of the Ullswater area. This prose, in memory of those days, was written then by Andy Moss, Andy Birtwistle and Ian Kyle during a long journey to Wales. It was never published. This slightly abridged version tells a tale of daring deeds and uncovers dark legends of the past. It also helps to explain much of the glossary in the present guide.
Once, long ago in a far off and distant land lived a young earl of noble extraction called Sir John. On one May morn a serf was called to the castle where Sir John was in residence to put right in a goodly manner damage which the roof had sustained in a recent storm. Robert the Guvy, who had learned to climb roofs by watching the acrobatics of a spider while he was once hiding in a remote and terrible hole called the Snakes Throat Cavern, was that serf.
John did not know it at that time but Robert the Guvy was to become in years hence, his constant and loyal companion on what was to become known as "THE QUEST".
Many years passed before the chums were to meet again and in the meantime John's family became poorer and poorer as the interest on the loan for the roof repairs mounted. Eventually the family was forced to settle the bill by selling the castle and moving to Brookside. Financial problems persisted and one-day John's mum told him to take their only cow to market and buy some food. The loss of this vital source of calcium was to result in a grave deficiency in our heroes' diet and alas his thin legs bent and rickets set in.
As John trudged to town a lanky man with beer breath, Tommy the Arseburner, accosted him. Tommy was a despondent fisherman returning from yet another fish-less foray.
"If only I could take some grub home" thought Tommy "I might win enough brownie points to take my sticky boots on holiday to Bulgaria".
With this in mind Tommy did wittily say unto John (and I quote) "Gis ya coo for these beans and bran or al borst ya heed in".
John protested most vigorously but Tommy told him (again I quote) "Yer nowt ye".
True to character John backed off and swapped the cow for a runner bean and some bran flakes. 'Great", thought Tom. "I'm sure to win stacks 0' points, wey I might even get in a goblet or two of ale doon the club an' all".
Having escaped danger by a hair's breadth, John jogged home. "What did you get for the cow?" asked his mam. Opening up his home produced blue sack he produced the bean and a bag of roasted peanuts he had slyly procured. His mother frowned in disgust then threw the offending bean out of the window. The boy was sent to bed with nothing to eat but two and a half pints of cold tea, bran and roasted peanuts. This was to be his staple diet for the years to come and also help cure his piles.
Meanwhile back in Ye Olde Benton, Robert the Guvy has taken up horse riding, as his legs often gave way after liquid refreshment in a local inn "Ye Millstone". Fate had its cruel way and one day he was unseated and fell into a large vat of strong ale. This experience had a most profound effect on his lifestyle and he grew from a 6 stone spelk to a 9 stone splinter. He performed many strange deeds as a result of the unusual characteristics of this brew and henceforth it was called "Exhibition".
Forty years passed by and unbeknown to Robert or John (now referred to as Aad John) in a far off valley amongst the native flora of tulips and cowslips the bean had taken root and steadily grown.
One hot night when John was dreaming about the Low Fell totty (wenches in the vernacular) an apparition veiled in a garland of daffodils and forsythia interrupted his fantasies. King David of the Lakes. (FRCC and Bar) appeared before him and related to John that legend told of wild and unpopulated valleys in a land known as the "Eastern Fells" and within these valleys lay a route of naked rock. King David commanded John to find a trusty companion and bodily go where no horticulturist had gone before. Should they succeed in their "Quest terrible" their reward was to be fame, glory and the naming of a hybrid tea rose. King David also told John that he would require vital provisions (phylisan, fartex and steradent) and specially made tools available from most good garden centres.
John collected a fine array of gardening implements including shears, a trowel, rake, hoe, stiff brush, sweet pea netting and his most cherished possession - a Black and Decker Strimmer! Before setting out John decided to test his hardware and after finding it in good working order saddled up his horse, and headed off with strimmer aloft on his quest for virgin rock.
After two days journey, John came across the first major obstacle in his path. Ahead lay a vast ditch of ferocious nettles, and what's more they were green - his unlucky colour! Re pondered as to his plight and wasting no time switched on his strimmer and cleared a narrow path through this wicked and unsavoury territory. To his amazement through the green carpet of dense undergrowth he heard a faint groan. Increasing the sweep of his stroke he came upon Robert lying prostrate in the ditch. After tending the stings and bruised knees, Robert announced "Yer a canny lad ye".
John told of his quest and Robert retorted "I'll give ya a hand, am the best clima in the coonty".
So it was that our dutiful duo set off together into the undergrowth. After many adventures, wearing out their gardening implements, losing their way and the cataloguing of many new plant species, they reached their goal. Beneath a towering pinnacle of dripping vegetation and seeping ooze was growing the broad shaft of our long forgotten bean. They stood awe-struck! Surely this was the symbol of the eve of their quest. Fame, fortune and a hybrid tea rose was only an axestroke away.
As the bean creaked to its sad demise, they chanted in unison.
"To have been a has been you have to have been a bean".
In front of their eyes gleamed the most perfect clean rock. Their quest was ended.
Route:
The Quest - mild very vegetated, 1O' 6"
Cliff Ullstrangthreshbarrow - Eastern Fells
First Ascent: R V Smith, J W Earl (Alt. leads)
Description: Laboriously ascend the dripping vegetation to the left of the clean rock with one tulip for aid.
N.B. The Quest an E5 on Iron Crag was climbed by Bob and John after they had read the article and was the last route they did before the guide went to the publishers.